Monday, June 8, 2009

Today my brother watched my little darlings and I met him at the gelato place on Denman to pick them up. We were discussing entrepreneurial issues when a mom sitting beside us joined our conversation. I think I am still adjusting to the world of the self-employed and one of the aspects of it that blows me away is the openness of fellow moms and the small community of the creatively inclined. Our girls got the conversation started, really, but quickly she introduced herself and we had a great, although somewhat short, little networking session.
Terra writes a blog, 'mymoodymommy', ( I hope it is okay to mention it here) and I realized how small our city is when we started mentioning similar themes in terms of the blogging and small business community. What a lovely little afternoon chat session!
I wanted to write about something else as well that sent my mind into a bit of a tizzy. Terra asked my daughter how old she was and on hearing that she was 4, asked if she would be starting school this fall. Daughter is fine with entering the public school system... mother is not.
We had an assessment this past week to make sure that DD is ready for kindie. I just wanted to grill the potential future teacher, but had to keep my mouth relatively shut as she engaged my daughter with questions. I did get my chance to speak, but still my anxiety rises.
I think tonight thinking about this afternoon and the assessment last week I finally figured out what is bugging me.
I don't want to have my child in school. I like hanging out and having special time with my girls. She is in preschool so it is not as if I am against the notion of school, but if we want to play hooky one day, we do. I don't believe I can do that once she is in kindergarten.
I also, for some strange reason, see this whole kindergarten thing as an exercise in control and conformity. I don't want her to be indoctrinated. I want her to stay the free spirit that she is. I have a fear of her spirit being crushed. I know I have nothing to truly base this on and I don't know if my concerns are valid, yet.
I tried to get her into Tyee Elementary and I would love to afford to send her to the Vancouver Waldorf School ( I realize they are very different educational approaches). It is the fear of the public system that is driving me.
As well, I can't imagine her away from her home (from me perhaps?) in the company of strangers for that many hours a week. I am stressing about this.
My girlfriend homeschools her lovely brood and I would love to have that same commitment. I am caught between guilt that I do not believe I can do that and the need to have the time for myself and my business. I can't have my cake and eat it too. I am in a great state of confusion and I go back and forth in my head trying to feel better about the situation. I do not believe I am making much sense here.
My little girl is growing up. How did this happen so fast? I love her spirit. I want her to maintain it so that I can have some assurance that she will survive adolescence. I think I have a multitude of differing issues going on inside my head.
I keep telling myself that if I detect any crushing of her soul I can take her out of school and commit to homeschooling. If I can at least tell myself this perhaps I can be the strong mother I so desire to be for my children and not a hyper-sensitive one. Wait, if I take her out will that mean that I will that teach her to run away from her problems???
I think I need baby steps right now. It is only kindergarten.
My heart aches as I watch my children grow. The world can be a scary place and I so desperately want to protect them, yet send them out into it but with a great shield of strength around them.
My children cause me to feel so vulnerable and raw sometimes and yet at other times they empower me. I had no idea that motherhood could be so conflicted. Pre-baby, I would not have believed how intense it could be. Thankfully my girls give me the tools to grasp it.

No comments: